Coexisting
by Jupis
Summary: Steve shows up with Bucky Barnes and decides to tell Tony the truth before things get out of hand. Now Tony is learning to coexist with the man that murdered his parents because hey, getting kidnapped and forced to do things against your will kind of sucks. That doesn't mean that everything is peachy though. Bonding and understanding over shared issues.
1. Chapter 1

The arrangement was strange. It wasn't something Tony entirely knew what to do with. People expected him to feel awkward and uncomfortable about harboring the man who had killed his parents, but well… Tony only sort of did. Not as much as he thought he should or rather as much as _people_ thought he should. Yes, it bothered him - he wasn't _that _good of a man - but if Tony was being entirely honest… he knew what it was like to consider doing something he would live to regret in a desperate situation.

In that cave, while being waterboarded, Tony had considered several times just giving in. Just agreeing to make the missiles to get them to stop. Sometimes Tony wondered what would have happened if Yinsen hadn't been there… would he have had the courage to continue to refuse? Tony didn't always know, and the possibility that he might have given in made him sick to his stomach. It was his greatest shame, and all things considered, that was a fairly impressive feat all on its own.

So Tony didn't fully understand, he didn't totally forgive, but he could sympathize with being kidnapped by a bunch of assholes and being made to do extremely regrettable things. He also knew that Barnes had had it far worse than he had; Tony had never been brainwashed and continuously had his mind wiped. Tony also strongly suspected that Barnes' "conditioning" hadn't been all sunshine and rainbows. HYDRA didn't seem the type. Tony could hardly condemn the man or even really hold him responsible… Well, maybe a little responsible? He wasn't sure. He just knew that his emotions were conflicted, but he also knew that Steve loved Barnes and needed him.

The two had been nearly inseparable since Steve turned up on the doorstep with Barnes in tow, both men expecting Tony to turn them away. Tony surprised even himself that night by staying calm as he listened to the story. He had told Steve that he was an Avenger and that the tower would always be his home. When Steve had asked about Barnes… Tony had shrugged and pointed out that there was an empty room across the hall from Steve's.

Afterwards, while he had been by himself, well, that was an entirely different matter. Tony had stayed locked in his lab for an immensely unhealthy amount of time, drinking himself stupid every waking hour among a few other self destructive habits. He grieved and fought with himself, struggling with the thoughts of going upstairs and killing Barnes before he finally came to… this. This strange understanding with himself. This strange sort of peace that while he could never forgive Barnes, he didn't fully blame him, and he thought he could coexist with him.

Barnes actually made the coexisting thing fairly easy. He stayed glued to Steve and yet also managed to never be in the same room with Tony for very long. It almost felt like there was a ghost in the tower. A very melancholy ghost but a ghost nonetheless. That's why Tony was so surprised when he rounded a corner one day and came face to face with the ghost, standing very rigid and eerily still. Tony stopped midstrid, not fully sure what to make of the scene.

"Barnes?" he asked and almost instantly wished that he hadn't.

Barnes' attention snapped towards Tony. The wildness of his eyes. The terror. It struck Tony deep in ways he hadn't been expecting. Barns was like a rabid animal in that moment. A very dangerous rabid animal that could break him in two without batting an eye. Every single fiber of Tony's being told him to step back, to get away. Call the suit. Call for Steve. Call for Jarvis. Something, anything. He just needed to protect himself from the super soldier who was no longer able to distinguish between the past and present.

Barns said something in Russian, or at least what Tony thought was Russian, but he honestly didn't know. It was low and threatening; Barnes' voice was as smooth as gravel. Again Tony had the thought that he needed to back up, but he couldn't move. It wasn't fear that rooted and paralyzed him. It was something Tony didn't have a name for except that it _hurt._

"Barnes," Tony drew quietly in a voice so gentle that it surprised even himself. "Barns you need to calm down. Whatever is happening… it's not real."

If Tony had to wager a guess as to what Barnes was yelling at him, he'd guess it was some sort of curse or blight on his grandmother. Pure speculation though.

"Barnes," Tony tried again but this time he took a step towards the Winter Soldier.

Barnes clutched his head tightly and screamed again, a noise more animal than man. It made Tony's blood freeze in his veins. Tony was very much aware of the fact that the man in front of him was considered to be one of the most deadly assassins of all times, and he had his gaze fixed on Tony. There was a cold familiarity in that look; a cold calculation in Barnes' eyes that reminded Tony that at one point in time, he had been on Barnes' hit list, and in that look, he knew Barnes was remembering that too.

"Barns." Nothing. No response. No recognition. A smarter man would have called for Steve, but well, sometimes for a smart man, Tony could be awfully dumb. "Bucky." And that _did _get a reaction though certainly not the sort that Tony had been hoping for: Barns snarled like a feral dog and took a step towards Tony.

Nope, calling him Bucky was most definitely not the way to go, Tony decided quickly.

"James." Barnes froze. He looked startled but perhaps maybe not as… lethal? Not as murderous? This Tony could work with. "James, I need you to listen to me. What's happening?"

"It… it hurts," Barnes whispered with such raw agony that Tony thought his heart might shatter if he actually had one. "It hurts so bad. Why… what's…" And when Barnes couldn't seem to think of the words quickly enough, he screamed a slur of Russian again, but Tony was definitely going to consider this progress. Tony took another step closer and Barnes snarled, "Get back!"

"Shh. It's okay." Tony held up his hands to show Barnes that he had nothing, that he wasn't a threat, but he stayed put for the moment, watching as Barnes clenched and unclenched his hands. "Everything is going to be okay. I promise. Just breathe James. In and out. In and out. There you go. Do you know where you are?"

Barnes shook his head no and the question elicited a very poor response. Barnes' eyes began whirling about, and he stumbled back as if he were the one that needed to get away. But Tony didn't relent.

"You're in the Avengers Tower. You're home, James. You're safe. You're safe and sound, and you're at home."

"No. No… No, this isn't home!"

"Yes it is. You're home, James. You're safe, James."

"No, no! This is… it's all wrong!"

Tony was almost within arm's reach of Barnes now. "I know. I know it seems wrong, but it isn't. For the first time in years, you're safe James. You're safe, and you're home. Do you know what's happening? You're having an episode, James. Those feelings? That panic and terror? It's real, I know you're feeling it, but there's no reason for it, I swear. Because you're safe and you're _home_, James. Do you want some gum?"

"I - what? Gum?"

"Yeah. I, uh, starting carrying it when I got back from Afghanistan," Tony reluctantly admitted as he fished out a pack from his pocket. "Chewing helps ground you in the moment. Come on, just try it for me. Please?"

Tony reached out and offered Barnes a piece. They stood like that for several moments, Barnes hesitating before he finally reached out as well and accepted, their fingers brushing. Barnes quickly recoiled again, metal arm clutching the gum to his chest. Tony smiled encouragingly.

"You're safe, James," Tony repeated firmly. "Do you want me to back up?"

Numbly, Barnes shook his head no, and Tony also took that as progress. Tony hesitated for a moment before he slowly reached out, giving Barnes all the time in the world to pull away. But Barnes didn't; he stood planted, desperately clinging to the tiny piece of gum as if it might offer him salvation and absolution. It wasn't exactly _chewing _per say but if it helped, it helped. Tony's fingers brushed Barnes' surprisingly silky dark hair. Barnes' eyes snapped up towards Tony's hand, and so he paused for a moment, simply letting his hand rest there.

"You're safe, James," he murmured again, his voice softer now that they were closer together. "I swear. You're safe here."

Relief washed over Barnes' face so suddenly that Tony was slightly surprised. Barnes' form sagged and then next thing Tony knew, the Winter Soldier had collapsed against him. Tony's smaller frame was barely able to hold the man up. He staggered slightly before he was able to carefully lower them to the ground. Barnes went easily enough, his arms wrapped tightly around Tony and his face buried in Tony's neck and shoulder. With Barnes half in his lap, Tony loosely wrapped his arms around him. He brought one hand up to stroke Barnes' hair again, simply holding him.

"Jarvis," Tony called quietly to his AI. "Get me Cap, will you?"

"Certainly sir."


	2. Chapter 2

"You said when you got back from Afghanistan."

Tony nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of the voice. He whipped around, his coffee cup still in hand, his chest fluttering as his adrenaline levels spiked dramatically. He hadn't even heard Barnes come up behind him. How did Barnes move so quietly? Then Tony remembered. Right. Assassin. Expert at sneakiness. Why did everything about Barnes have to remind him of the fact that the man in front of him was a killer? It would be so much easier to live with Barnes if he could forget that small little detail.

"I, uh, what?"

Barnes blinked. "The other night. You said you started carrying gum when you got back from Afghanistan."

"Oh. Yeah. I did say that. I'm kind of surprised you remember that," Tony remarked as he shifted slightly, wondering where this conversation was going.

"You were a soldier?" Barnes asked, and Tony almost blasted the man right then and there he sounded so doubtful and superior. Instead Tony carefully arranged himself and leaned back against the kitchen counter.

"Not even close."

"So… you weren't deployed there?"

"No."

Barnes looked confused for a moment, but Tony wasn't offering up anything else. How was it that the Winter Soldier knew about the war in Afghanistan but somehow managed to miss the fact that Tony had been kidnapped and held in a smelly cave there? Well, if Buck-a-roo couldn't find those answers for himself, Tony wasn't about to offer them up. Shockingly, it wasn't exactly his favorite conversation topic.

They fell into a silence after that, simply watching each other.

"I know I'm absolutely captivating, but we're toeing that line between flattering and overkill," Tony remarked absently, his tone coolly neutral.

But Barnes smirked almost mischievously in response, and Tony was surprised at how… suiting it was. Up until that moment, he hadn't seen many expressions on Barnes's face. Mostly he just looked blank or lost. But this… well, he was almost handsome.

"I don't think you have an overkill," Barnes remarked playfully.

Now it was Tony's turn to smile. "Figured that out already?"

"It's kind of obvious. I've never meant someone theatrical enough to prance around in a suit made of iron."

"One, I am deeply insulted that you think my suit is made of iron. It's actually a gold titanium alloy -"

"I'll bet I could still crush it," Barnes interjected with the biggest cat ate the cannery smile Tony had ever seen.

"- And two, your boyfriend runs around in red, white, and blue spandex, throwing a giant metal frisbee at people. Now that is a level of theatrism that would make a thirteen year old in their goth phase swoon."

"... Touché."

They fell into another silence, and Tony decided to use that opportunity to complete his original task: coffee. He turned and busied himself with making a new pot, acutely aware of the fact that Barnes was watching his every movement. Tony wasn't entirely sure what to think. So far they had avoided each other quite successfully until the other night, but it certainly seemed like Barnes had deliberately sought him out today. And where was Steve? Tony hadn't thought that Barnes could function without Steve in his sightline for more than a few moments.

"So if your suit is gold -"

"Gold titanium alloy."

"- Then why are you called Iron Man?"

"Because Stark men are made of Iron," Tony replied flippantly as he poured himself a fresh cup of coffee, not even stopping to consider his words. He very rarely did.

"I heard Howard say that once."

And Tony froze, his grip tightening on his cup a considerable amount. He was glad his back was to Barnes. They were treading on a very precarious conversation now. Tony slowly forced himself to relax, to breath through his nose, and regain his ever so carefully constructed facade. He turned back to Barnes and leaned against the counter, the very picture of comfort as he blew on his coffee.

"I'd rather not talk about my father," Tony said after a long moment as casually as someone might say that they didn't want to talk about football.

"Right. Of course. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have… I shouldn't have said anything."

Barnes was slowly backing away, and Tony couldn't help but see the deep rooted anguish on the man's face, hear the self hatred and loathing in is voice. Just like that, Barnes was back to looking like that tortured ghost, and silently Tony cursed.

"No, it's not that," Tony said quickly, not wanting to completely undo everything. He liked Barnes' smile. Even if he was a murderer. "Well… not entirely at least. I've never liked talking about Howard. You just… surprised me."

"Why don't you like talking about Howard?"

Tony arched a brow. Tony waited for a moment, waiting for it to click in what little was left of Barnes' brain that this was exactly the thing he had just said he didn't want to talk about, but it never came. Barnes just kept looking at him. Barnes' eyes were hard, Tony noted. Not like Steve's. Steve's were bright blue and so entirely earnest and pure. Barnes' were blue as well but old. Old and sad, but he still somehow managed to look earnest as well. Like he wanted to truly know the answer.

Finally, because he couldn't stand the stretched silence, Tony replied, "That's a complicated question," and he hoped that that would be enough.

"If it's complicated… seems to me then that maybe that is the thing you need to talk about most."

"I'd rather let the dead stay dead."

And whether it was because Barnes was actually giving up on the topic or because of Tony's word choice, the man looked away and murmured a soft, "Of course."

There was another stretch of silence before Barnes hesitantly said, "I was wondering if you might be able to help me… my arm… it's been acting up. I think I might have damaged it. I've never done my own repairs, and Steve said that you're the best engineer he's ever met… If you don't want to, that's fine, I totally get it."

"No… I'll, uh, I'll take a look," Tony replied with more conviction then he felt.

Truthfully, the curious engineer side of him had been desperate to get his hands on that arm because it really was one cool piece of tech, but that side wasn't always able to reconcile with his more emotional side. You know, the side that reminded Tony that that arm had killed his mother. Logically, he knew Barnes had been brainwashed. Logically, he knew that meant Hydra was actually at fault… but well, Tony wasn't a perfect person. He wasn't even a good person half the time. More sort of occasionally okay. He was working towards it though, working on accepting that it wasn't Barnes' fault, if only for Steve's sake… but it was a definite work in progress. Barnes smiled again, and Tony was just faintly glad that he had been the one to cause it.

Tony took a long drink of his coffee before he pushed himself off of the counter and started to walk away. "Well?" he called back. "Are you coming or not?"

"Right now?"

"No time like the present."


End file.
